Flash Gordon

“sound the battle cry…Gooble-Gooble!”

In the great tradition of Highlander and Waynes World, the movie Flash Gordon utilizes the 80’s classsic rock icons of queen for a memorable movie soundtrack. As for the rest of the movie’s quality well that’s a different story.

Flash Gordon, a quarterback from the New York Jets, is put in the unlikely situation of having to try to save the world from the evil clutches of an alien overlord name Ming. With only enough brain power to warm toast and a uncanny skill in bad one-liners, Flash goes to Ming’s home planet accidentally with the help of an equally dimwitted newsreporter. Also along for the trip is a scientist who happens to have a few screws loose. Their first meeting with Ming doesn’t go well since Flash calls him a “Psycho” right off the bat and then senselessly beats an innocent sensor droid (R2D2 your days are numbered.) Flash escapes his death sentence thanks to the help of the princess who wants to use Flash for some extra curricular activity of her own. She’s some sort of bored rich physcho/nympho who likes earthling football stars like a crazed Beverly Hills cheerleader.

Flash employees the help of some woodsmen led by Timothy “I was the worse James Bond ever” Dalton and some flying hawk-people who look more like turkey parade rejects to battle Ming and save his girlfriend from marrying him. Through all the battles and carnage and laser beams Flash never gets hit and his hair always stays perfect. Maybe that was his superpower “amazo hair of fortitude.” I’d tell you how it ends but I’m sure you can figure out that Flash saves the day and rides off into the sunset on his jet ski to the rocking tunes of Queen on his radio. Lots of shiny bad costumes, lots of horrible dialog but a heck of a lot of fun. I say check it out.

Keep an eye out for…

– midget alien cleaned funeral parlors. They leave the fresh scent of pine
– psychedelic space warps
– a killer game of bonk the gopher except in this one the gopher wins and you die
– the only super hero with his own self-promotional t-shirt
– jet ski recreational space vehicles (whether on a lake or in space they’re still annoying)
– overdressed mardi-gras parade rejects
– Robinhood and his merry men of thieves
– impronto football scrimmages in space
– inneffective mind control devices that can be overcome with thoughts of Beatles songs

Lesson I learned from this movie. don’t stick your arm in an old tree stump.

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Flash Gordon.

The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

“Am I getting too thin? I’ve still gone a bone to pick with you!”

This great homage to old 50’s sci-fi b-movies is very funny and has some of the greatest one-liners ever heard on black and white film. If you enjoy Mystery Science Theater you’ll love this film.

After a meteor shower occurs which consists of a whole 2 meteors fizzling to the earth, a scientist and his wife hope to use the meteor’s ore to advanced science in the field of “science.” That is until a couple of dim witted aliens land from the planet Marva in their poorly constructed alien rocket. They also want the comet’s ore to refuel their ship so they have to disguise themselves as ordinary humans and master the art of door opening and stair climbing. To make things even more complicated is a mad scientist who also wants the ore to revive a sketeleton in a well light cave so he can rule the world through cheesy voice overs and mind control. Oh and don’t forget Animilia who consists of mutliple woodland creatures that the mad scientist brings with him as his dinner date. Hilarious and witty. Check it out.

Beware of…

– skeleton rock climbing
– the breath-taking stair climbing sequence
– atmosphereum
– midget forrest rangers
– alien dancing
– dinner etiquette
– caulk guns alien technology
– mutant pets

“We take our horrible mutilations seriously around here!”

rated 8.8 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

The Science of Sleep

“The new AT&T…same high prices, same crappy service”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

It’s my obligatory chick-flick romantic movie review for Valentine’s Day. Don’t get used to it. I’m not going to be sitting down and sharing “my feelings” and then end up crying on the Dr Phil Show. I was determined to find one of the weirdest romances out there, watch it, have it expose part of my soul…rip it out and stuff it with potpourri and huggy squeezy things. This movie only accomplished the ripping of my soul part.

Gael Garcia Bernal plays Stephane, a timid man whose comes to France to get a creative job as an illustrator but ends up just pasting letters on paper. He can speak English and French but is from Mexico and yet wants to live in France to draw calendars of catastrophic events. Now that’s a person with issues. His annoying co-workers only further drive him to want to be a permanent part of his weird dreamworld and to escape his dull job and reclusive social life. Falling in love with his quirk neighbor Stephanie gives him a couple more issues to deal with in that giant subconscious of his. Well at least I think that was the plot. I’m not really sure..it’s a little hazy….There was a giant typewriter with spider hands…that was pretty cool. I also recall a car made of cardboard that was kinda like a Yugo crashing into a wall, the films only action sequence. Everything else was a fog of weird imagery and bad french dialog and dull sub-titles. The movie bored me to sleep. In fact I think my dream was more interesting than this film. I was being chased by zombies while I was driving a Lamborghini but the car could only go 10 mph and I was dressed in a clown costume? What does that mean?

 

This movie ticked me off as I’m a huge fan of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” It was done by the same director and was a great sci-fi romance movie, but this movie was just plain weird and dull. Avoid it and you’ll be happier and a little less French.

Keep your eyes open for…

– giant hand kung-fu
– band members dressed as your favorite rodent
– flying French speaking Mexican Americans
– typewriter spiders
– one second time machines (fix those very recent mistakes of your life)
– spinning turtle donuts signs
– cardboard car driving safety lessons

I’m really sleepy now…oh and I don’t dislike the French. It’s those darn Norwegians that keep me awake at night. They hide under my bed.

rated 4.8 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Science of Sleep if ye dare

Gymkata

“Look a moron on a jack-ass.”

All hail the greatest b-movie of all time. Truly perfect in it’s pure awfulness. The pinnacle of bad movies by which exposure will burn out your retinas and make you curl up in the corner and beg for a swift demise.

“No acting skills required” must have been on the actors wanted sign for this cheesy 80’s karate movie. Olympic medalist Kurt Thomas stars as Jonathon Cabot, who stretches his acting muscle to plays …yes a champion gymnast. He is recruited to represent the United States in a deadly competition inside the borders of the country Parmistan (I like to sprinkle some Parmistan on my spaghetti..it’s delicious.)

The leader of Parmistan who resembles a deranged Mel Brooks, will supposedly grant a wish to the winner. My wish would be that Kurt Thomas would have picked a brighter red sweater to wear on his “secret” mission. He would have made a much better target. The U.S. government wants Parmistan to be a part of the Regan induced Star Wars defense program, and the U.S. government clumsily and quickly trains Cabot to win the race. Training consists of climbing stairs on his hands (in case he encounter legless ninjas.) There’s also a chinese guy with a giant eagle on his shoulder that spouts wisdoms like “Do not hear the wood split. Hear the only sound of axe, cutting air. Read the air itself. It has much say to you.” Wow…this movies has so much to teach us grasshoppers.

It stuns me that the same talent that brought us Enter the Dragon directed this pile of Crapkata. Apparently he was inhaling a bit too much gymnastic powder. But it is truly a must see.

 

Watch out for.

– stealthy ninjas on horseback with guns
– strategically placed village gymastic equipment
– archery snipers
– reinassiance festival rejects as disguised villagers
– disturbing stair climbing training sequences

rated 10 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Gymkata