Archive for the ‘sci-fi’ Category

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The Last Starfighter

July 16, 2007

The Last Starfighter

“By the order of Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada, I command you to pull my finger”

Alex Rogan (Lance Guest) is a depressing teenager living in a low scale trailer park. He has vague dreams of getting somewhere in life because he likes to stare wishingly at his planet mobil hanging in his bedroom and to stalk the mailbox for rejection letters from community colleges. Between unclogging toilets and ignoring his girlfriend Maggie Gordon (Catherine Mary Stewart) he spends an obscene amount of quarters on a nearby mammoth sized arcade game called “The Starfighter.” to dull his pain. His apparent short term life goals are realized late one night when he beats the scoring record which brings out all residents of the trailer parklike it was a soccer game final in Brazil. I don’t think the guy that cured polio got this much fanfare.

After the night long celebration of parades and fireworks in his honor, Alex is approached by the game’s flim-flam inventor, Centauri played by Robert Preston who kidnaps him in a pimped out starcar whisking him off to another planet. It turns out the game was actually a test for to find real star fighters much like the army games the government is churning out for recruiting. Because there’s nothing you want more than a white nerdy guy who sits in front of computer screens all day saving the galaxy or operating firearms.

Not too thrilled with the prospects of getting vaporized in a space battle, Alex heads back to Earth only to find a robot clone of himself has been getting busy with his girlfriend, creeping out his family, and is now target practice for lobster headed alien cops.

Alex must finally faces the challenge to fight as the remaining starfighter in a desperate battle against the armada to save the galaxy. With the help of his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle headed co-pilot, Grig, they wage a one ship war against an entire squadron of bad computer generated graphics.

A neat little sci-fi movie from the 80’s that was every Atari playin’ Geeks dream. Give it a try but bring lots of quarters.


Keep an eye out for…

– giant holographic balding aliens
– bifocals made of real eyeballs
– squid faced distempered co-pilots
– Outback steakhouse’s Onion “Death Blossoms”
– 9 year old Hugh Hefners
– grannies listening to pop music
– translator collar clips constructed from old digital watch parts
– aliens with Ed Asner hair cuts
– flash mobs of videogame spectators

“This movie is what destroyed Atari”

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Last Starfighter

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My Science Project

July 3, 2007

My Science Project

“Alien technology that can teleport crap from the Pottery Barn freaks me out too.”

Back in high school I had a science project where a clock would run off a potato. At the time I thought that was pretty impressive. If only I knew then how to alter the fabric of the time space continuum through advanced spud technology. Maybe then I would have beaten that kid with the ketchup volcano. But is science really ready for the dark secrets the potato holds? I think not.

In the movie “my science project” the school’s best grease monkey Michael (John Stockwell) has a similar problem except his science project is a genuine working alien time machine. Not actually building it himself (cheater) he instead finds it in an abandoned military base with his new found geek girlfriend played by Danielle von Zerneck. She’s a geek because she wears giant glasses according to the guide to creating 80’s stereotypes for movies.

Michael doesn’t get the extra credit he hopes for when the time machine suddenly absorbs their hippy science teacher played by Dennis Hopper via a failed battery jump. The time machine, now feeding off an electric outlet starts warping in artifacts from the past like an extreme episode of Antique Road Show and Michael has to stop it from destroying the fabric of time and space. All this before Magnum P.I. starts.

Apparently electricity is really slow so it gives Michael just enough time to race the bolt of electric current out of town in his supercharged GTO and rig up a series of elaborate explosives to a utility tower. Mike’s Buddy,Vince, who fits the role of Italian greaser nicely, helps him rob a store for the explosives and helps get them arrested. Soon they have to infiltrate the high school which is now over run with gladiators, dinosaurs, and other football player mascot wanna-be’s to help save his girlfriend from a fate of permanent home room detention.

The movie is pure 80’s cheese but an enjoyable trip back in time. Remember to pack your leg warmers and bring some extra hairspray when traveling time warps and look out for stoned hippie cowboys on the way out. Oh and bring a potato.

Keep an eye out for…
– Spencer Gift Shop $20 electro-globes
– ancient wookie attack
– T-Rex seeking rocket launchers
– storm trooper vandals
– Dennis Hopper Hysterics
– apocalyptic mutant attack
– muscle cars that can exceed the speed of light
– grease monkey and nerd co-op teams
– Good Fellas extras reject

Why does Dennis Hopper always play a crazed hippy?

rated 8.2 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out a scene from My Science Project

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The Toxic Avenger

May 28, 2007

toxic avenger
“I hope my car rental insurance covers this.”

Take note geeks on love patrol, if you want to get the ladies you simply need to wear a pink tu-tu and accidentally fall into a barrel of toxic waste thereby become hideously deformed. It will give you super hero strength, motivate you to fight evil, and change your voice to a someone who sounds like they should do Viagra commercial. This is what our leading man Melvin, the soon to be Toxic Avenger, demonstrates to his helpless viewing audience.

Melvin , a local mop boy nerd, works at the Tromaville Health club where all the brain vacuous jocks and bimbos like to hang and out collect new community diseases in the jacuzzi. A group of these dumb teens decide to play a prank on extreme-nerd Melvin which causes him to jump through a window landing in a passing by truck of toxic waste. And as all us comic book geeks know toxic waste gives you super powers.

Melvin turns into the Toxic Avenger…look out Batman and Superman…Toxic avenger has unregulated EPA laws on his side. Eesh at least Aquaman could control fish with his mind. Toxie is inexplicably drawn to fighting evil and starts his crusade to literally mop up the town (leaving behind a mop on each of his criminal victims…. and the fresh scent of pine.)

The victims range from cross dressing muggers to gun touting pro wrestling rejects which Toxie equally serves up like a fast food value pack. After beating a criminal with his own arm Toxie’s tender side is revealed when he finds love in a blind girl (dumb, blonde, and blind..a toxic mutant’s perfect soul mate). She decides to move in with toxie, they make passionate toxie love, she redecorates, throws away his cool stuff then forces him to go camping. Pretty typical relationship stuff.

Toxie is a busy guy though with his own revenge hit list as he systematically wipes out the kids who made fun of him at night while his day job is being a good samaritan mutant helping grandmas cross the street and opening jars for limp wristed town folk. I could see politics in the future for the Toxic Avenger with that sort of mass appeal. Overall a great introduction the movies of Troma Entertainment where if it ain’t weird and degrading then it ain’t on film. So check it out now and decontaminate your DVD player later.

Troma Films…..aren’t those the same guys making a movie about a zombie chicken?

Keep an eye out for…
– man beaten with his own arm
– deep fried finger food
– biker road kill
– toxic redneck haulers
– pink poka-dotted tu-tu’s
– charcoal roasting
– toxic home decoration tips
– sundae ala mode bad guys
– defective gym equipment
– blind girls with extreme guide cane collections
– midget dry cleaning
– braille mirrors
– bikini camping

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Toxic Avenger

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Ice Pirates

April 15, 2007

Space Pirates
“Dude, you’re like a giant Q-tip!

Before Johnny Depp stole the show with his drunken Keith Richards impersonation, there was the original great Pirate movie of the 80’s called Ice Pirates. In a galaxy gone dry where water has become the only thing of value, we can always count on watered down actors like Robert “made for tv acting” Urich to save the day. Mr. Urich plays Jason, the swash buckeling leader of the ice pirates that also include Ron Perlman and Angelica Houston (both of which must have accidentally wandered onto the wrong movie set.) Ice pirates are not a Canadian hockey team, nor is it a musical on ice, but is a gang of rebels who steal frozen water from the government to sell to the locals. They’re not really all that intimidating as pirates looking more like rejects from the local renaissance festival equipped with laser pistols and swords. They mostly rely on the swords for their pure swash buckeling-ness.

The crew attacks a local ice carrying government ship and yes the ship even looks like a giant ice cube tray. I swear my 7 year old kid could do these special effects better himself. While stealing the ice blocks they accidentally encounter a frozen princess named Karina who Jason immediately falls in love with. He attempts to steal her from the ship like she’s the last Swasons TV dinner left in the fridge but is captured by the ruthless overlord Zorn. We know Zorn is very evil and very stupid because he says things like “Killing you would be too easy. I have something better in mind for you!” ugh..typical dumb bad guy move.

So he delays their execution by sending them to the planet Mirtha to be castrated and lobotomized and used as slaves. Instead of the traditional years of marriage that would normally take to incur such a punishment for a man, they’re put on a assembly line given a shave and almost have their twigs and berries chomped off by an vicious looking crotch claw (Yikes!). Luckily the princess decides to help them escape before that can happen and uses them to find her father who supposedly knows the secret location of a lost water planet. Hmmm…what planet could that be? give you a clue It rhymes with girth.

Jason and his Crew arrive at yet another pit-stop planet, this one covered in fog to hide the fact the movie was probably running out of budget and is inhabited by Amazonian woman who ride magical white unicorns. I think had that dream once……anyways, princess Karina doesn’t find her father but does find an annoying body-less head that looks like the guy from tv hollywood squares who whines a lot. He reluctantly helps them find the time warp after a nose tickling Guantanamo-style torture. As Jason and the crew travel through the time warp they start to age rapidly. Old people turn to skeleteons, young couples get busy and have babies, guys grow big afros and long beards, it’s like Woodstock all over again man. Will they survive and find Girth? Will they have unlimited supplies of snow cones? Will they be able to clear up a vicious case of space herpies? Check it out for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Keep an eye out for…

– robot kung-fu
– unicorn riding amazon woman
– extreme afros
– jive speaking robot pimps
– crotch claws
– gopher shootin’
– frog-women who drink too much
– freshness sealed princesses
– space herpies
– robot family drive-bys

I always wondered how many people can you fit on a motorcycle…this movie dares to answer such an age old question.

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie.

learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Ice Pirates

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Donnie Darko

April 1, 2007

Donnie Darko
“I just can’t make sense out of these pumpkin carving instructions
!”

You know you’re watching some special when you have a giant demonic bunny and Patrick Swayze as a cheesy motivational speaker both in the same film. I was half expecting spouts of Roadhouse wisdoms like “pain don’t hurt” or “Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary.” Oh poor Patrick how far you have fallen. But fortunately he’s only a minor character in the tangled time travel web of Donnie Darko.

Jake “I’m not the same guy that plays spiderman” Gylenhall stars the title role of Donnie, a troubled teen who likes to sleep at golf courses and on roadside corners. Is Donnie just a secret binge drinker who can’t get a cab? Hard to tell, but when he starts hallucinating giant bunny rabbits who tell him the world is ending you’ve got to wonder. Donnie gets more words of wisdom from this demonic Bugs Bunny telling him to do warm fuzzy things like setting Patrick Swayze’s house on fire and flooding the local highschool. The only thing I’d think a flood in a school would do was to cut into their snow days, but it’s all part of a master plan of the creepy bunny to set thing right in the universe. Donnie’s new girlfriend Gretchen (not her real German name) is about as messed up as he is so it’s not surprising she is inadvertently killed off by a Trans-Am towards the end of the film. (sorry major plot point….Death by Pontiac.)

A breach in the fabric of time and space occurs potentially causing the universe to implode much like Sanjaya Malakar winning American Idol would do. Donnie’s only course of action is to load up his dead girlfriend in the car and take her to look-out mountain for a better view of the end of the world. Makes sense? No? Well fortunately Drew Barrrymore and Noah Wyle who play teachers at the school try to explain things but it only further confuses the viewer.

Lots of heavy time travel mumbo-jumbo-jet engine falling Donnie crushing excitement. If John Hughes was hooked on crack and was lying in the gutter somewhere in the 80’s he would have thought of this convoluted plot line. A fantastic movie to stretch out your brain muscles to along with some great vintage 80’s music make it one of the top cult films of the decade. I’d recommend watching this movie at least two or three times. It makes even more sense when you’re sober so put the beer down and give it a try.

Keep an eye out for…

– Hulk-a-mania
– pyromania
– gratuitous use of the term “Sparkle Motion”
– Trans-Am mayhem
– obsessive mailbox checking
– tramp-o-leans
– indulgent pumpkin carving
– poor jetliner quality control
– demonic giant bunnies

“Cellar door” is not the most beautiful combination of words in the english language…I like the words “free buffet”

rated 9.4 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Donnie Darko

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Flash Gordon

February 26, 2007

Flash Gordon
“sound the battle cry…Gooble-Gooble!

In the great tradition of Highlander and Waynes World, the movie Flash Gordon utilizes the 80’s classsic rock icons of queen for a memorable movie soundtrack. As for the rest of the movie’s quality well that’s a different story.

Flash Gordon, a quarterback from the New York Jets, is put in the unlikely situation of having to try to save the world from the evil clutches of an alien overlord name Ming. With only enough brain power to warm toast and a uncanny skill in bad one-liners, Flash goes to Ming’s home planet accidentally with the help of an equally dimwitted newsreporter. Also along for the trip is a scientist who happens to have a few screws loose. Their first meeting with Ming doesn’t go well since Flash calls him a “Psycho” right off the bat and then senselessly beats an innocent sensor droid (R2D2 your days are numbered.) Flash escapes his death sentence thanks to the help of the princess who wants to use Flash for some extra curricular activity of her own. She’s some sort of bored rich physcho/nympho who likes earthling football stars like a crazed Beverly Hills cheerleader.

Flash employees the help of some woodsmen led by Timothy “I was the worse James Bond ever” Dalton and some flying hawk-people who look more like turkey parade rejects to battle Ming and save his girlfriend from marrying him. Through all the battles and carnage and laser beams Flash never gets hit and his hair always stays perfect. Maybe that was his superpower “amazo hair of fortitude.” I’d tell you how it ends but I’m sure you can figure out that Flash saves the day and rides off into the sunset on his jet ski to the rocking tunes of Queen on his radio. Lots of shiny bad costumes, lots of horrible dialog but a heck of a lot of fun. I say check it out.


Keep an eye out for…

– midget alien cleaned funeral parlors. They leave the fresh scent of pine
– psychedelic space warps
– a killer game of bonk the gopher except in this one the gopher wins and you die
– the only super hero with his own self-promotional t-shirt
– jet ski recreational space vehicles (whether on a lake or in space they’re still annoying)
– overdressed mardi-gras parade rejects
– Robinhood and his merry men of thieves
– impronto football scrimmages in space
– inneffective mind control devices that can be overcome with thoughts of Beatles songs

Lesson I learned from this movie. don’t stick your arm in an old tree stump.

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Flash Gordon.

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The Science of Sleep

February 13, 2007

The Science of Sleep
“The new AT&T…same high prices, same crappy service

Happy Valentine’s Day!

It’s my obligatory chick-flick romantic movie review for Valentine’s Day. Don’t get used to it. I’m not going to be sitting down and sharing “my feelings” and then end up crying on the Dr Phil Show. I was determined to find one of the weirdest romances out there, watch it, have it expose part of my soul…rip it out and stuff it with potpourri and huggy squeezy things. This movie only accomplished the ripping of my soul part.

Gael Garcia Bernal plays Stephane, a timid man whose comes to France to get a creative job as an illustrator but ends up just pasting letters on paper. He can speak English and French but is from Mexico and yet wants to live in France to draw calendars of catastrophic events. Now that’s a person with issues. His annoying co-workers only further drive him to want to be a permanent part of his weird dreamworld and to escape his dull job and reclusive social life. Falling in love with his quirk neighbor Stephanie gives him a couple more issues to deal with in that giant subconscious of his. Well at least I think that was the plot. I’m not really sure..it’s a little hazy….There was a giant typewriter with spider hands…that was pretty cool. I also recall a car made of cardboard that was kinda like a Yugo crashing into a wall, the films only action sequence. Everything else was a fog of weird imagery and bad french dialog and dull sub-titles. The movie bored me to sleep. In fact I think my dream was more interesting than this film. I was being chased by zombies while I was driving a Lamborghini but the car could only go 10 mph and I was dressed in a clown costume? What does that mean?

 

This movie ticked me off as I’m a huge fan of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” It was done by the same director and was a great sci-fi romance movie, but this movie was just plain weird and dull. Avoid it and you’ll be happier and a little less French.


Keep your eyes open for…

– giant hand kung-fu
– band members dressed as your favorite rodent
– flying French speaking Mexican Americans
– typewriter spiders
– one second time machines (fix those very recent mistakes of your life)
– spinning turtle donuts signs
– cardboard car driving safety lessons

I’m really sleepy now…oh and I don’t dislike the French. It’s those darn Norwegians that keep me awake at night. They hide under my bed.

rated 4.8 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Science of Sleep if ye dare