Archive for December, 2006

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

December 25, 2006

Horray for Santa Claus
” Santa says pull my finger.”

Prepare yourself for a mind-numbing knock down brawl of a Christmas and all without the need of gin and egg nog. The leaders of Mars (Martians because they wear green paint on their face) are concerned that all the children on their planet are depressed and watching far too much Earth TV. Instead of the obvious Ritalin prescriptions, they consult a creepy wise man who lives in some nearby caves. The old guy who looks and sounds like a 80 year old Screech from Saved By the Bell tells them their planet is in need of the large bearded fat man who only works once a year known as Santa Claus. The Martians attempt to kidnap the jolly old elf who probably laughs more than any typical drunk santa at a roadhouse bar should. After a foiled attempt to blast Santa and his two innocent children bystanders into the cold confines of space, they decide to enslave him on Mars and create automated machines that turn out toys faster than a sweat shop in China. Will Santa escape? Will the children get their toys? Will the evil Martian’s plans be stopped? Did you even read the title of the movie?…
Look for the goofy Martian named Dropo whose brain power is barely enough to warm toast. Also look for a man dressed in a polar bear suit. You’ll swear you’re hallucinating. Just try to get the jolly song of “Hooray for Santa Claus” out of your head. This little jewel can be crowned the worse Christmas movie ever. It is my gift you. Have yourself a very Swayze Christmas.
rated 1.9 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

The righteous Reverend Chumley has posted this entire movie on his video podcast for you to watch at his fantastic free b-movie podcast called the Cult of UHF. Watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians online for FREE.

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Road House

December 18, 2006

Roadhouse review
” Oh, let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year or we’ll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!”

As far as b-movies go I would consider this the Godfather of all bad movies. It’s so pure in it’s awfulness that it’s truly a masterpiece. This is the legendary story of a bouncer named James Dalton played by Patrick Swayze who confronts his inner demons while defending a small bar outside Kansas City from the evil Ben Gazzara. Dalton cool demener hides a raging anger that I believe resulted from a post dramatic Dirty Dancing disorder. He deals with rage through spouting wisdoms like “pain don’t hurt” or “it’s my way or the highway” and of course doing his Swayziest Tai-Chi. You know it’s going to be something special when a monster truck and plate glass windows are involved in a major plot point. Road House should be a standard by which all other bad movies should be judged. I consider it required viewing.

rated 9.9 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Roadhouse Movie Trailer

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The Hell’s Angels 69

December 11, 2006

Hell “Dukes of Hazzard changed my life! Boss Hog is an American hero.”

Wow! not surprisingly Oscars were not be handed out to any of the Hell’s Angels back in 1969 for their stunningly accurate portrayals of themselves in this cheesy biker movie. Can’t say I’ve seen a lot of biker movies so this is my first toe in the water of slurred speeches, drunken brawls and endless footage of motorcycles cruises. The thin plot revolves around two badly dressed rich guys who decide to rob a casino just for “the kicks.” they plan to send the money back to the casino in the mail. Like somhow the casino will be “Oh that’s okay for stealing our cash…at least you returned it. do you need a hug?” The Hell’s Angels find out they’re being used and go after the two robbers in a un-thrilling bike race across the desert. I found it hard to figure out who to root for in this film as despicable characters are abound. However this movie’s saving grace is a great informative and hilarious commentary track from the b-movie guru Joe Bob Briggs and that helps makes the hurt go away.

rated 4.9 out of 10 for the movie…8.7 out of 10 with Job Bob Briggs commentary track turned on
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

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The Hell’s Angels 69

December 11, 2006

Hell “Dukes of Hazzard changed my life! Boss Hog is an American hero.”

Wow! not surprisingly Oscars were not be handed out to any of the Hell’s Angels back in 1969 for their stunningly accurate portrayals of themselves in this cheesy biker movie. Can’t say I’ve seen a lot of biker movies so this is my first toe in the water of slurred speeches, drunken brawls and endless footage of motorcycles cruises. The thin plot revolves around two badly dressed rich guys who decide to rob a casino just for “the kicks.” they plan to send the money back to the casino in the mail. Like somhow the casino will be “Oh that’s okay for stealing our cash…at least you returned it. do you need a hug?” The Hell’s Angels find out they’re being used and go after the two robbers in a un-thrilling bike race across the desert. I found it hard to figure out who to root for in this film as despicable characters are abound. However this movie’s saving grace is a great informative and hilarious commentary track from the b-movie guru Joe Bob Briggs and that helps makes the hurt go away.

rated 4.9 out of 10 for the movie…8.7 out of 10 with Job Bob Briggs commentary track turned on
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

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The Bubble

December 5, 2006


The Bubble
“I’m the love doctor. Take two of me and call me in the morning.”

Now with more scrubbing cleansing power. The Bubble sounds like it would be the invasion of a giant household cleaner but that would be just be too obvious and probably more of a frightening story. This film made back in 1966 tells the tale of a couple (Michael and Deborah) and a not-so-great plane pilot (Tony) who make an emergency landing near a desolate town. The town’s inhabitants are a bit strange though even for midwesterners of the 1960’s. Everyone walks around like zombies repeating the same actions over and over. Ok maybe that’s not so strange. The visitors discover a giant blob-like creature at the center of town that the people are walking in and out of like it’s a Walmart supercenter after Thanksgiving. This is freaky enough that Mike, Deborah, and Tony finally decide to leave town. Unfortunately they find out the hard way that the entire town is surrounded by some sort of glass dome hence the name “bubble.” When faced with a giant wall the only logical solution is to drive your truck through it. Oh I forgot to mention this movie is in sickness inducing 3D so you get the gratitous “LOOK AT THIS RAKE!!! ohhhh….ahhhh!!” where objects are thrusted towards the audiences to apparently induce a fears of inanimate objects or yard work. There’s a few genuinely creepy scenes and the storyline is actually quite interesting like an extended old Twilight Zone episode. I saw this when I was a kid and it gave me nightmares so I finally tracked down a DVD copy. Now that I’m an adult it’s lost it’s shock value but is still an enjoyable sci-fi flick. And yes, the 3D glasses are included. I say check it out.

rated 7.9 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imbd.com