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The Toxic Avenger

May 28, 2007

toxic avenger
“I hope my car rental insurance covers this.”

Take note geeks on love patrol, if you want to get the ladies you simply need to wear a pink tu-tu and accidentally fall into a barrel of toxic waste thereby become hideously deformed. It will give you super hero strength, motivate you to fight evil, and change your voice to a someone who sounds like they should do Viagra commercial. This is what our leading man Melvin, the soon to be Toxic Avenger, demonstrates to his helpless viewing audience.

Melvin , a local mop boy nerd, works at the Tromaville Health club where all the brain vacuous jocks and bimbos like to hang and out collect new community diseases in the jacuzzi. A group of these dumb teens decide to play a prank on extreme-nerd Melvin which causes him to jump through a window landing in a passing by truck of toxic waste. And as all us comic book geeks know toxic waste gives you super powers.

Melvin turns into the Toxic Avenger…look out Batman and Superman…Toxic avenger has unregulated EPA laws on his side. Eesh at least Aquaman could control fish with his mind. Toxie is inexplicably drawn to fighting evil and starts his crusade to literally mop up the town (leaving behind a mop on each of his criminal victims…. and the fresh scent of pine.)

The victims range from cross dressing muggers to gun touting pro wrestling rejects which Toxie equally serves up like a fast food value pack. After beating a criminal with his own arm Toxie’s tender side is revealed when he finds love in a blind girl (dumb, blonde, and blind..a toxic mutant’s perfect soul mate). She decides to move in with toxie, they make passionate toxie love, she redecorates, throws away his cool stuff then forces him to go camping. Pretty typical relationship stuff.

Toxie is a busy guy though with his own revenge hit list as he systematically wipes out the kids who made fun of him at night while his day job is being a good samaritan mutant helping grandmas cross the street and opening jars for limp wristed town folk. I could see politics in the future for the Toxic Avenger with that sort of mass appeal. Overall a great introduction the movies of Troma Entertainment where if it ain’t weird and degrading then it ain’t on film. So check it out now and decontaminate your DVD player later.

Troma Films…..aren’t those the same guys making a movie about a zombie chicken?

Keep an eye out for…
– man beaten with his own arm
– deep fried finger food
– biker road kill
– toxic redneck haulers
– pink poka-dotted tu-tu’s
– charcoal roasting
– toxic home decoration tips
– sundae ala mode bad guys
– defective gym equipment
– blind girls with extreme guide cane collections
– midget dry cleaning
– braille mirrors
– bikini camping

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Toxic Avenger

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Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers

May 25, 2007

Sleepaway Camp 2
“Camp nurses….remember this is what happens when nose bleeds go untreated.”

Angela is back. This time she’s a camp counselor. Previously murdering a dozen teens, years of therapy, and a sex change operation apparently gave her/he an excellent resume for working with kids at Camp Rolling Hills. Pamela Springsteen (yes that’s Bruce Springsteen’s little sister) plays the happy physcopath who kills anyone that mildly irritate her moral sensibility. She’s like a menopausal June Cleaver with a hatchet. She also likes to plays guitar about as bad as she can act.

Angela wants everyone to have fun and follow her rules and if you don’t you get “sent home.” “Sent home” is murder slang for “viciously killed and getting propped up in a creepy shed like a redneck taxidermy display” Not Even Brian Clarke’s huge mullet hair can stop the carnage nor does it shield him from battery acid.

The body count is higher in this one compared to it’s prequel and it appears that everyone that has a line in this movie is killed off even people that wandered onto the set had to be killed, key grips…dead, caterers…dead..,writers, producers, sound editors…all killed. Eeesh even Jason paced himself with his kills. the film is by no means scary, you’d be advised to rent Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for more frights than this campy camp slasher. If you dare attempt to endure this movie you’ll never look at outhouses the same again.

Keep an eye out for…
– log beatings
– tongue chopping
– head drilling
– teen roasting
– battery acid to the face
– decapitation
– death by chainsaw
– death by Freddy glove
– death by guitar
– death by outhouse
– loosing your will to live from the happy camper song

“Ooooh, I’m a happy camper, I love the summer sun. I love the trees and forest, I’m always having fun! ” -Angela the happy killer

rated 2.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer from Sleepaway Camp II (warning this trailer is rated R)

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A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

May 14, 2007

Nightmare on Elm St. 4: The Dream Master
“This is why I use SPF 500…3rd degree sun burns are a killer.”

Freddy Krueger, the definitive horror icon of the 80’s. Nothing strikes more fear into teens than a pizza faced wise ass with hand covered cutlery who kills them in their dreams. Say what you will, Freddy was a fashion ground breaker with his k-mart special green and red sweater and Indiana Jones fedora hat. At the end of part 3 Freddy was buried in and old junk yard with some holy water and a crucifix (standard anti monster equipment everyone should have). You know you can’t keep a cash movie franchise down so this time he’s been resurrected by a dog peeing flames on his grave… that’s nothing he should really brag about.

In this made for MTV style movie nothing is going to stop Freddy from taking out the remaining survivors from the previous Nightmare sequels, even if one of them is played by a totally different actress (Tuesday Knight as Kristen Parker) which threw me off a bit. Freddy quickly cleans house of annoying teenage actors but finally meets his match in the form of Alice the Dream master who has absorbed all the powers of the the previous victims. So I guess that means Alice gets the power of bad acting, YMCA karate lessons, and big hair styling skills.

Freddy wants to use Alice to bring him new victims through her dreams so he can dispose of them in ever increasing weird ways and add more faces to his abs of souls. Case in point a girl who is afraid of bugs gets turned into a giant cockroach and is squished in a roach motel.  Apparently Freddy’s out doing it for style and extra bonus points for the most use of puns. This all leads to the final battle that has all the intensity of a luke warm bath between Freddy and the Dream Master.

I saw Nightmare 4 when I was 14 years old and I was a huge Freddy fan boy at the time so this was a great nostalgic trip back to Elm Street. I say check it out and whatever you do…don’t fall asleep…… and don’t eat beef jerky with Oreo cookies..that’ll guarantee you some real nightmares.

Keep an eye out for…

– flame peeing canines
– nurses with bad dental work
– roach motels…you can check in but you can’t check out
– pizza soul food
– the deep end of a waterbed
– Freddy french kisses
– weight lifting spotters that are horribly burned
– the esophogus of souls
– kung-fu freddy
– Freddy in Ray-Bans
– soul collecting….collect them all!

You know you’re not really scary any more when you’re on lunch boxes, t-shirts, and pez dispensers.

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

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Troll 2

May 6, 2007

Troll 2
“We have a strict no plaid…no hat…no service policy here in the town of Nilbog.”

Well after seeing what I thought are some of the worse films captured to celluloid, this barrel scraper actually lifts up the barrel to find a scummy underlining of cinematic excrement. It’s legendary among b-movie fans for it’s pure awfulness and it really does exceed it’s reputation. It’s not actually a sequel to Troll 1 as this films contains no story, no acting, and amazingly no trolls! There are however midgets dressed in cheesy goblin masks prancing through the woods and eating people they turned into green goo. This Italian directed American horror film is so bad it’s like it’s some sort of weird alternate universe of movies where actors have only 3 emotional responses…. dull, apathetic, or wooden. The cast obviously needed to get back to their day jobs at Arby’s.

It starts with the world’s dumbest family who decide a neat vacation would be to switch houses for the summer with a farmhouse family. “No Dad we don’t want to go to Disney world…let’s go stay on a farm instead!” They travel to a town called NILBOG. Yes they named it NILBOG…the creative writers really burned out a few brain cells coming up with that unique name.

The family’s creepy kid Josh, played by Michael Stephson, sweats and grimaces like he’s constipated. He hallucinates that he’s turning into a tree or sees the floating head of his dead grandfather who warns him of the evil that lurks in NILBOG. Josh tries to warn his parents of the goblin threat through constant whining and some food urination but that surprisingly doesn’t get him very far. Also making her debut is the popcorn goblin queen Creedence played by Deborah Reed. Her acting style can best be described as excruciating and her overacted monologues would make William Shatner jealous. Along for the ride is Josh’s sister who can only be calmed by a round of singing “row row row your boat”, a song the mom “likes so well.” She must be on the same medication as her constipated son. The Dad just drives the car and threatens his children with food strikes if they don’t shape up which is an effective if not weird form of punishment. There’s also a gang of annoying teens that camp nearby in a big old RV . This is convenient for the dim witted yet still much smarter goblins who end up turning them into walking salad bars. I never knew goblins hated meat before I saw this movie and I still don’t I care.

I really can’t you give you much of an overview of the plot. There really wasn’t one. Maybe you can find it along with an actual troll. I consider this required viewing for b-movie enthusiasts but be prepared for some deep hurting. May I suggest downloading the rifftrax by MST3K Michael J. Nelson to make this movie much more bearable and even more hilarious. So check it out and “Be afraid be twice as afraid!”

Keep an eye out for…

– popcorn lovin’ goblin queens
– floating talking heads of dead relatives
– row-row-your-boat of terror
– pale green food topped with green goo..yummy.
– potted teens…and they’re not even high.
– trolls? where are the trolls? I see goblins but no trolls?
– a town named NILBOG? I knew this movie would be a big pile of PARC
– did I just see an evil monkey fart flames and fly into the air?
– demented Ewoks on crack wearing goblin masks
– RV cruising teen geeks
– 9 year old whiny kids with glandular problems.
– Gatoraid sweating
– the double decker bologna sandwich anti-goblin defense
– sheriff Freak…yes that his real name.

“There’re sandwiches for tonight! It’ll go easier on you if you eat’em. Otherwise, we’ll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!” -resident goblin

rated 1.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Troll 2

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Sleepaway Camp

April 30, 2007

Sleepaway Camp
“Lemon-lime leisure suits…look out ladies!”

I think Jason rightly avoided this campsite when he saw all the ugly kids running down the hill. Even Jason has standards. Sleepaway Camp is another slasher flick that supposedly will disturb and scare you with it’s shock and brutality. I was mostly scared from the bad acting and the tiny man shorts.

The story revolves around this mute girl Angela, and her brother Ricki who are heading to camp Arawak for the summer. Arawak from the Indian translation “crappy movie.” The trip was probably just an excuse for them to get away from their creepy Mary Poppins on crack mom who is a few tacos short of a fiesta platter. Cut to the next scene and it’s is all the kids running down this hill toward the camp like some sort of running of the bulls in Pal bona. The camp is managed by a icky group of old guys and a handful of teen rejects from Welcome back Carter and Fame. (if you don’t know either of those two references you’re too young…and it’s pass your bedtime.)

The kids and counselors start getting picked off in increasing numbers and in even more brutal ways, yet no one never decided to just send the kids home. Safety was never a big concern back in the 80’s. The supposed shocking twist at the end was a little creepy but I figured out the murder before the first body bag so I didn’t get much from it. I’d say check it out it for it’s hilarious acting and the final creepy scene along with a couple of gruesome kills between all the talking.

Keep an eye out for…

– giant corn cookers
– cheesy 80’s cut-off shirts
– downhill kid racing
– water balloon roof tossing
– mute girl tossing
– Phantom Menace George Lucas guest cameo
– canoe tipping
– thin shower walls
– bee wrangling
– snack attacks
– fake cops with fake mustaches

With all that murdering going on you’d think nobody would want to play a game of capture the flag but the fun must go on at camp Arawak!!!

rated 6.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this brief video overview of Sleepaway Camp I put together for your viewing.

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Blood Shack

April 23, 2007

Blood Shack
“Yup sir, in real estate it’s all about location, location, location!”

Blood Shack… no it’s not a hit song by the B52’s but it is a crappy movie that will take away a bit of your soul. I’ve endured the horrors of Gymkata, suffered the Swayze-isms of Roadhouse but I had yet to know such pain as Blood Shack. From the director that brought us such memorable films as “The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and became Mixed Up Zombies!” comes a new level in strange and dull horror. Originally called “The Chooper” but also known in some circles as “Curse of the Evil Spirit”, the film was made for well under $500 putting the “b” back in budget b-movies.

The plot is as nearly as thin as our main flag pole shaped hero, Daniel. He likes to work on his desert landscaping by poking the dirt occasionally with a shovel and moving rocks from one pile to another. Danny-boy also likes striking a pose leaning on his shovel in front of his poorly constructed triple wide trailer….that about sums up his daily routine. Oh he also enjoys mumbling and then suddenly bursting into fits of verbal abuse towards his two grimy kids to break up the monotony. The kids portrayed convincingly by the director’s own children pass the time by playing musical chairs with only a single chair (will the fun ever stop?) They also trying to sneak into the haunted shack next door to jump on the stained matress like a trampoline. A rare film in which furniture actually out acts the cast.

Carolyn Brandt a real b-movie actress who plays herself, inherits the land the shack resides on and is determined to keep it since it has a underground lake. No green grass in sight for miles so you just have to take their word for it. The house is also supposedly haunted by an Indian demon called a Chooper that kills everyone that crosses its threshhold, which up to that time has been just a whiny teenager and a local plump sheriff who practically sweats grease so it’s not exactly legendary. When the terror of the chooper is finally revealed it’s carrying some sort of BBQ sqewer and is wearing what appears to be a bad ninja outfit you’d buy at a halloween store. Oh the horror…please make it stop.

The movie originally was only about 55 minutes long so they had to go back and add some additional footage which amounted to endless stock footage of rodeos to make it feature length! That’s the true horror of “The Chooper.” I think there’s a special place in Hell for the really bad people where they make them watch this movie over and over again.

 

I’d say check it out simply for it’s awfulness so anything you’ll see after it will taste like a fine four-course meal. The most action this movie has is simply trying to find the hidden Joe Bob Briggs commentary track buried in the DVD extras. It makes the whole movie much more digestible.


Keep an eye out for…

– mattress stains in the shape of Maryland
– gratuitous use of rodeo footage
– 2 shallow buried bodies
– hat flyin’
– ninja pajamas
– roof leapin’ chooper demons
– rock landscaping
– voice overs…and overs…and overs

I have never seen a movie where the director puts up posters of his other movies in a film. It’s like he’s saying “Yeah I know this film sucks, but maybe you’ll like one of these instead!”

rated 1.9 out of 10 for the movie and 8.6 for Joe Bob Briggs Commentary track.

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this brief video overview of Bloody Shack I put together for your enjoyment.

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Ice Pirates

April 15, 2007

Space Pirates
“Dude, you’re like a giant Q-tip!

Before Johnny Depp stole the show with his drunken Keith Richards impersonation, there was the original great Pirate movie of the 80’s called Ice Pirates. In a galaxy gone dry where water has become the only thing of value, we can always count on watered down actors like Robert “made for tv acting” Urich to save the day. Mr. Urich plays Jason, the swash buckeling leader of the ice pirates that also include Ron Perlman and Angelica Houston (both of which must have accidentally wandered onto the wrong movie set.) Ice pirates are not a Canadian hockey team, nor is it a musical on ice, but is a gang of rebels who steal frozen water from the government to sell to the locals. They’re not really all that intimidating as pirates looking more like rejects from the local renaissance festival equipped with laser pistols and swords. They mostly rely on the swords for their pure swash buckeling-ness.

The crew attacks a local ice carrying government ship and yes the ship even looks like a giant ice cube tray. I swear my 7 year old kid could do these special effects better himself. While stealing the ice blocks they accidentally encounter a frozen princess named Karina who Jason immediately falls in love with. He attempts to steal her from the ship like she’s the last Swasons TV dinner left in the fridge but is captured by the ruthless overlord Zorn. We know Zorn is very evil and very stupid because he says things like “Killing you would be too easy. I have something better in mind for you!” ugh..typical dumb bad guy move.

So he delays their execution by sending them to the planet Mirtha to be castrated and lobotomized and used as slaves. Instead of the traditional years of marriage that would normally take to incur such a punishment for a man, they’re put on a assembly line given a shave and almost have their twigs and berries chomped off by an vicious looking crotch claw (Yikes!). Luckily the princess decides to help them escape before that can happen and uses them to find her father who supposedly knows the secret location of a lost water planet. Hmmm…what planet could that be? give you a clue It rhymes with girth.

Jason and his Crew arrive at yet another pit-stop planet, this one covered in fog to hide the fact the movie was probably running out of budget and is inhabited by Amazonian woman who ride magical white unicorns. I think had that dream once……anyways, princess Karina doesn’t find her father but does find an annoying body-less head that looks like the guy from tv hollywood squares who whines a lot. He reluctantly helps them find the time warp after a nose tickling Guantanamo-style torture. As Jason and the crew travel through the time warp they start to age rapidly. Old people turn to skeleteons, young couples get busy and have babies, guys grow big afros and long beards, it’s like Woodstock all over again man. Will they survive and find Girth? Will they have unlimited supplies of snow cones? Will they be able to clear up a vicious case of space herpies? Check it out for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Keep an eye out for…

– robot kung-fu
– unicorn riding amazon woman
– extreme afros
– jive speaking robot pimps
– crotch claws
– gopher shootin’
– frog-women who drink too much
– freshness sealed princesses
– space herpies
– robot family drive-bys

I always wondered how many people can you fit on a motorcycle…this movie dares to answer such an age old question.

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie.

learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Ice Pirates